It was my first time away from Forrest this week. As I drove to the coast for my work assignment I caught up on a podcast talking about the 4th trimester and I could not stop replaying THIS on the process of becoming a Mother. “Your life is like a puzzle. You’re gonna throw all the pieces up and then...
Time & Identity
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I Miss My Baby
I love my vibrant, impulsive, brave, incredibly intelligent and fiercely independent little human. But tonight…tonight, I miss my baby. I miss the little squeals and growls and silly sounds. I miss watching her scurry around the living room on hand and knee. I miss trying to figure out what she wants from the toy box as she stands there propped...
A Gentle Reminder to Myself
I’m up late, again. Worrying, thinking, and prepping for what’s ahead. Thinking about all the little things I should and could do. Making to-do lists, packing healthy lunches, sanitising, laundry, dishes, looking at baby pictures. Worrying about my child’s development, are they on track? Or are they falling behind? What lasting effects has the pandemic left on my child? Social...
How Many More?
How many more nights will I get to nurse you to sleep? To hold you across my lap with your head resting heavy on my arm? How many more times will I get to feel your entire body relax into mine as you drift to sleep? To feel your gentle suckling every so often as you sink deeper into rest? ...
The Unseen Work
The Unseen Work Decide how to feed What to feed When to feed Keep inventory of Diapers Wipes Clothing Formula Medicine Food Troubleshoot Nipple size Diaper size Bottle type Laundry soap Toys Keep the right size clothes and diapers in diaper bags Schedule and take child(ren) to doctors Be able to answer any and all of their questions (what color...
A Family Milestone
Our son William was 20 months old when playdates, birthday parties, and Mommy and Me classes ground to a halt due to the pandemic. I'm not sure William qualifies as a true "covid kid" because he wasn't born during the pandemic, but to be sure, his childhood and our parenting has been shaped by it. Despite the pandemic, he's very interested...
One Year Old
(*Written March 1, 2020, two days before my son turned one year old.) I’m struggling so much around Jonah turning one. I feel intense dread in my body and sick to my stomach. I can barely eat. I cry just writing or thinking about it. It feels like I need to cry and scream and rage outwardly, but there isn’t the...
Where Does the Rage Go?
Where do the screams go?The ones that well up like a wave but can’t crash to shoreThe ones that rise up in your throat begging to be released but get swallowed instead Where does the heat go?The burning of “I can’t” and “how am I supposed to” and “no”The fire that rises and threatens it all with its no going...
Old Enough to be a Mother
Taking a little friend out to a café The barista asks if she is mine. I explain that I care for her and the barista responds, "You don't look old enough to be a mother anyway" And wishes us well And my mind wanders If things had been different If laws had been different If religion were not such a...
My Shower
My Shower A year and a half in, I often feel far away from who I emerged as after giving birth - that confident, calm, focused person, born anew. The mornings can be stressful, even though we have nowhere to be. Cooking and young, active toddlers don’t really mix. But then I take a shower. I can close my eyes...