I’m up late, again.
Worrying, thinking, and prepping for what’s ahead.
Thinking about all the little things I should and could do.
Making to-do lists, packing healthy lunches, sanitising, laundry, dishes, looking at baby pictures. Worrying about my child’s development, are they on track? Or are they falling behind? What lasting effects has the pandemic left on my child? Social media, teaching, caretaking, working, and organizing. I can’t breathe. This is suffocating. Is there such a thing as self care to carve in between? Am I helping or hurting my child’s eating habits, growth and development, social emotional skills? Have I failed at sleep training? Am I not creating enough boundaries between me and my child? The list gets longer and heavier throughout the day.
The weight of my to-do’s brings me to my breaking point, I. am. Exhausted. At my core, and Beyond.
I’m constantly working out all of the tiny details for my little ones, day by day, hour by hour.
Also, worrying about heavier things that are not always in my control.
Especially in this world, of chaos and unknowns.
A world where I am constantly worried about my child’s safety, did I lock the gate at the top of the stairs? Are these grapes choking hazards? Did I clean their sheets this week? Are they getting enough nutrients?
A world where I feel constanlty judged by others, as I navigate my new role in parenting, should I avoid a tantrum and just buy them that thing that they keep asking for in the store? Or should I stand firm in my position of NO? Am I holding her too much? Or is that unconditional love?
A world where I can walk into a grocery store, and never come home.
A world where a child goes to school, and may never come home. My heart aches.
A world where life can be taken way too soon, for having a different color skin, for being a different ethnicity, or for loving someone who others might think is a sin.
Another shooting. My chest is heavy. It’s hard to breathe.
A world where woman’s rights are very slim.
A world where black people live with constant trauma and fear.
A world where refugees struggle to rebuild.
Another day, another shooting. G U N S
A world of isolation and loneliness.
A world where peoples well-being and mental health is not a priority.
A world where if I have a daughter, I’m worried she might be raped, assaulted or taken advantage of.
Another shooting. My heart aches.
A world where if I have a son, I am worried his rage might be powerful enough to pull a trigger on someone.
A world where access to guns is easier than getting an abortion.
A world where if my child is trans, bi, lesbian, queer, or gay, I am constantly worried about their safety, mental and physical wellbeing.
Another day, another school shooting. 19 humans are dead, 17 are children.
A world where more and more people experience homelessness, addiction and mental illness with no support.
A world where I fear my children could fall into some sort of addiction, or get kidnapped.
A world where health is wealth. And the wealthy are filled with greed.
Another shooting. How much more can I take of this?
A world where Mother Earth is in a state of disarray, crying out for help.
A world where being Asian, is another reason to spread violence and hate.
A world where mothers everywhere are suffering from George Floyd’s cry for air.
I need action. I demand it, N O W! No other mother should experience this devastating pain.
These are very heavy burdens to bear. Help, I’m sinking, deeper and deeper into this ocean of heaviness and pain.
As my mind tries to fall deeper into those heavy ocean thoughts, Today, I am gently reminding myself to instead, focus on the path of praise. Even when it’s hard and feels miles away, try to soak it all in. The path of praise is refocusing, recentering, pressing the pause button, revisiting my breath, and noticing the good in my child. In each and every moment. Especially, during the really tough ones. Becoming more curious about my child’s strengths. Maybe even noticing my strengths. My child is merely a reflection of myself right? While it’s very easy to get immersed in the heaaviness that today brings, take a moment to just breathe. ~ In and out. ~ Deep and all-consuming breaths. Like my life depends on them. I am alive, I am doing the best I can, and I deserve some praise. Because without me, these Littles just wouldn’t be.
Questions to help me redirect back towards the path of praise, when everything else around me feels too overwhelming:
~ What qualities does my child already have that will prepare them for the world around them?
~ What traits do my children have that I admire most?
~ What kind of people do my children surround themselves with?
~ What kind of friend are they?
~ How do they show me that they feel loved?
~ What makes me most proud?
~ What can my child help me learn about myself?
~ What do I love about being their mother?
~ What do I think I am doing best in the parent role?
~ What does my partner do best in the parenting role?
~ What good qualities do I see my child takes after my partner in?
~ How does my child show me that they love me?
~ What do they say to me that validates they are loved?
~ What makes me smile most about my child?
~ One memory that brings a smile to my heart?
Instead of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am going to refocus on the here and now. I will be in the present parenthood moment that I am in. Soak it all in. The same way I soak up the sun, the sand, the beach breeze, and the crashing of the sea, at a day out on the beach. I will document the moments of joy and tenderness, with a picture, a video recording, or a journal entry. I will sketch or draw these milestones in a painting, before they slip away into distant memories. I will dance, laugh, sing, play games, and try my best to imprint the good moments, deep into my heart’s core. I will email my children, reminding them of all the details, and the endless love that I have for them. I will hold onto hope and change for my child’s future. Writing, dreaming, praying and meditating. I will put my energy into what inspires me, their greatness, my greatness, my partners greatness. Because with love, compassion, and gratitude I can truly accomplish anything in this world. In the midst of striving, I realize that in this moment, I am actually t h r i v i n g.
Photography by Kris Buckhout @homewithharper
