The Unseen Work
Decide how to feed
What to feed
When to feed
Keep inventory of
- Diapers
- Wipes
- Clothing
- Formula
- Medicine
- Food
Troubleshoot
- Nipple size
- Diaper size
- Bottle type
- Laundry soap
- Toys
Keep the right size clothes and diapers in diaper bags
Schedule and take child(ren) to doctors
- Be able to answer any and all of their questions (what color poop? Seriously?)
Sort through the fads to see what works for us. BLW? Nope can’t do it…but should I try?
Research and purchase baby gear
- Figure out how to use and clean said gear
- Figure out what fits, what doesn’t, how to store
- Know the weight/ height/ milestone limits of the baby stuff
- How to store it when the time comes
Wrestle with the voices in my head as I pack stuff away for the next kid
- “What if we don’t get to have another kid?”
Are they getting enough food?
- Stimulation?
- Sunlight?
- Fun?
- Sleep?
Is it cool enough?
Warm enough?
Clean enough?
Should I encourage the pacifier, so they don’t become a thumb sucker?
How do I know what she needs?
How do I know if shes ok?
Do I need to look for preschools already?
- What do I look for in those?
How do I keep them safe?
- In the car?
- In the stroller?
- At home? (Shoot! I need to babyproof!)
- At the park?
- When they are eating?
- When they are meeting people?
- In regard to this seemingly never ending pandemic?
Should I hire a babysitter so we can go on a date? But what about covid…?
Can I be honest about how tired I am without someone saying, “Just wait”?
Every time I start to be honest about what I need, I include the caveat of “I love my baby but…” Why do I feel like I have to include that?
How in the hell am I going to get intimacy back in our marriage?
Can I talk about what I don’t like about this phase without someone saying, “Treasure these moments”?
Can I share about how much I need a break without someone questioning how much I love my daughter? Without judging myself in that same way?
Can I even truly TAKE a break?
how do I turn off this mental merry go round of stuff?
Why can’t I sleep?
Why is my partner driving me crazy?
Why can’t they see the mountain of work there is always to do?
Why do I have to ASK for help?
Why does my body still feel so incredibly foreign?
How do I respond when people ask when we are going to have another?
Why does everyone want to sugarcoat and silver line my story instead of just listening to it?
Why does it feel like no matter what I do it’s wrong?
How is it possible to love someone this much but still be counting down the hours of when she will go to sleep?
I feel like I’m climbing a snow-covered slope, taking a couple of small steps before losing purchase and sliding back to where I started, or even further below. There’s a crowd of people who are zipping past me up the slope, hurtling unsolicited advice at me like snowballs. Rolling their eyes at my struggle, laughing at how pathetic I am.
My mind bounces from one half-baked thought to another, and the to do list never gets smaller. At the end of a long day, I promise myself I’m going to take time to rest tomorrow- rest when she’s resting, knowing full well that tomorrow, like today, will just be another exercise in making it through the day.
On good days, I get to the end of the day and I’m proud of us. Proud of myself for surviving another day, for successfully getting through another 24 hours. For somehow knowing what she needs in any given moment, for rolling with the punches without losing my grip.
On bad days, the list looms large. I can’t see what I have done (like keeping her alive for another day). I can only see what’s still left to do, or what is already done but that I should have done differently. I beat myself up for the lack of patience, for not engaging with her more, for having the tv on in the background, for not making her purees from scratch.
The reality is? This season of life is the hardest I’ve traversed. Infant life in general, but during these “unprecedented times,” it’s been made even more difficult. We are not only figuring out this new life of ours, but we are also doing it when our world is constantly needing to be re-figured out over and over again. I bring this laundry list of invisible to dos to the surface to make visible all that I am managing. In the Instagram world of constantly comparing, it often seems like we aren’t doing enough, or doing it well enough.
All I know is that I can’t be alone in counting down the hours to bedtime, in my mountains of laundry and undone dishes. I can’t be alone in feeling like my body is foreign. I can’t be alone in feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve come to discover that no one does. I’m coming to realize that even on our most shaky, exhausted days; we are the best parents for our kids. We can do this. We ARE doing this.
I’m aiming to celebrate getting through another day regardless of my mind’s judgment over whether it was a good day or a bad day. I’m trying to release the need to say “I love my baby but…” and just ask for what I actually need. I’m learning to give myself grace around needing breaks, looking forward to bedtime, and buying store bought food. None of those things measure how much I love my baby or how much she loves me. I’m going to give myself credit for all the work I’m doing- unseen and otherwise. It’ more than enough. I am more than enough.
