Birth & Loss

Fall is my favorite season. The crisp air of the morning - fifteen minutes before the sun comes up, the aromas of cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove that waft around a warm house, the brilliant oranges, yellows, and reds of foliage that signify the changing of seasons; all of it is exciting. Halloween is my favorite holiday, a time where I...

To the baby that I miscarried, The love that I have for you is equal, To the love that I have for my Earthly children.  I love you unconditionally, and think of you often.  While I often wonder why, and I know that probably won’t ever subside.  I want to share my heart with you, my love. At the time...

40 weeks and 3 days. My eyes opened up to my dark room at 2:30am after a decent cramp and I thought, “Ooh, that was a good one.” I had Braxton Hicks for months. I fell back to sleep. More came and went, some deserving of a check of the clock, but in my sleep haze, I estimated a half...

The ocean in me swells with a warning: It’s the salt that alters fresh water to brine. (His salt). I once grew a blooming reef and sheltered a tiny, silvery fish ‘til she was ready to slip through the coral archway. She took the reef with her. It’s okay, I tell myself. I like feeling still. Too much salt kills....

The story of  a mother’s love is that it’s limitless  implicit  The first  love we know and the last  love we  cry out for But I know  mothers  and the love I see is deep in the bones wavers between  firm and yielding  can be fractured is holy and  imperfect

The shots are the easy part. It’s not just shots anyway. It’s multiple transvaginal ultrasounds. Welts from the shots that get bigger and more numerous with each passing day. The hormone fueled roller coaster  that has you feeling elated, ragey and depressed somehow simultaneously. Don’t forget the mindfuck of the hope that maybe this will work.   It’s crumbling a bit more...

Pregnancy with Fern taught me to look inward. To seek healing in places that Forrest’s birth brought to light. I sought out literature, social media accounts, films, podcasts, people of interest in the birthing world, enrolled in classes, and discovered places of inspiration I had not explored prior. I visualized and meditated and most of all let go, because birth...

It was around 5am when I felt the rhythmic achings of contractions. I smiled to myself. I knew what these were because I had been here before. Tingles ran through me, to think of my baby girl announcing that she was on her way. I said a quiet “Thank you, baby.” She had given me a full night’s rest for...

I left this world to birth our son. My water broke at noon the day before he was born. I didn’t know if he’d come that day or several days later, and I wasn’t feeling any movement or contractions, so my husband, Joe, and I ate lunch at the park in the rain while my waters poured out of me...

The year I was pregnant with Basia was one of the defining years of my life. The pregnancy was challenging, nothing like my first pregnancy with Leonardo. I had horrible morning (see: all day long) sickness that lasted through the entire pregnancy, horrible insomnia, and painful varicose veins from the pelvic floor down. Everyone said I was going to have...