Joy, Rage & Grief

I left this world to birth our son. My water broke at noon the day before he was born. I didn’t know if he’d come that day or several days later, and I wasn’t feeling any movement or contractions, so my husband, Joe, and I ate lunch at the park in the rain while my waters poured out of me...

3:20amThese nights don’t feel like they used to when he was smaller and younger. I used to embrace them, find joy in them even a lot of the time. Even when we’d have to come to the living room and play a bit in the wee hours, I’d feel a stillness emerge in the cracks of my sleepiness. I’d feel...

The year I was pregnant with Basia was one of the defining years of my life. The pregnancy was challenging, nothing like my first pregnancy with Leonardo. I had horrible morning (see: all day long) sickness that lasted through the entire pregnancy, horrible insomnia, and painful varicose veins from the pelvic floor down. Everyone said I was going to have...

No one warned me about the boxes. I wasn’t going to have kids. I was never interested. How could I be, watching myself and my brothers sap the life force from my mother, who worked full-time and homeschooled me and was always aggravated by something we’d done (or not done)? It looked like a thankless, miserable job. Nah, I’m good....

She had been in a marriage for ten years that would only last a year or two longer. Her first child was six and a half years old. Her second child would have been turning three were they not buried in a cemetery 45 miles from where she and her family then lived. She had moved a little more than...

I didn’t walk blindly into the befogged  chasm In fact I  hurtled myself down at breakneck  speed knowing it would  hurt knowing it would  steal me of  my youth  And yet not knowing  what love  I would  find there

I feel left behind. Many emails that I’m receiving and pictures I’m seeing on social media depict a “post Covid” world. A world in which folks are no longer wearing masks, or keeping their distance from each other. I see people taking long postponed vacations, rescheduling weddings and having big parties. Getting on planes, going about their lives as if...

Tonight is the eve of my 37th birthday. I’ve got solo reservations at a local restaurant for tomorrow night. I’ve been treating myself to bodily delights this week: hiking, swimming, sauna, baths, yoga, beach walks. Just two months ago I mustered all my courage and moved to a new city, a whole new place, with lots of open space and nature....

There’s milk and a sweet smell. The bed sheets, mangled. The bed is gravity—I slink toward it, whether I want to or not. I live in a body I do not know. A lot of people never bounce back. I went through a big thing but no one wants to hear about it. It’s too hot and I’m not used...

About to be promoted…. To full time stay at home mom. We’ve been lucky- she’s almost 7 months old and my husband has been home the whole time. He quit his job in December 2019 because his boss was a jackass. Then IVF happened. Then COVID-19 happened. Then (thank god) pregnancy happened. Then baby happened. So here we are, nearly...