About to be promoted…. To full time stay at home mom.
We’ve been lucky- she’s almost 7 months old and my husband has been home the whole time.
He quit his job in December 2019 because his boss was a jackass.
Then IVF happened.
Then COVID-19 happened.
Then (thank god) pregnancy happened.
Then baby happened.
So here we are, nearly 2 years later, and he’s finally going back to work! There’s a part of me that is SO ready- 2 years cooped up in the same house has been a LOT. Navigating the pandemic, newly-wed life (we got married in the spring of 2019), infertility, pregnancy and new parenthood together? Let’s just say we are more than a little worn and ragged. That whole absence makes the heart grow fonder? We need that big time right now.
I am so grateful to my friends who warned me that it’s possible to hate your partner in the first year of parenthood. It makes sense, right? We are both navigating this whole new world, and in a couple with a birthing parent, that person is trying to put their body back together after going through the most intense body and hormone changes most of us ever experience. I often found myself resenting him- that if he had any concept of how I felt internally- both physically and mentally- he would be treating me like a baby bird who fell out of nest, not just same old Joan. I have felt so incredibly wrecked on every level, with no idea how to put myself back together. Forget “getting back to normal;” I need to somehow integrate all these changes. There’s no “back to”- it’s like I’m recreating myself from scratch. At the same time, as much as I’ve resented him, he’s been amazing with Brooke. He’s given me/I’ve taken so many opportunities to get out and play tennis, get some self care appointments in, and see friends without baby in tow. Brooke has only been left a handful of times with someone else- a few times with my sister, once with my sister’s friends and that’s it. So now, 5 days out from this new chapter beginning, I’m nervous as HELL to be on my own, even though I can’t WAIT to be on my own.
I’ve struggled with post partum anxiety and rage, and I’m nervous about how I’m going to handle day after full day of baby, without anyone to hand her off to if I get amped up, and no break on the horizon until Dad gets home. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, and find my way through these days (cause what choice do we have but to make it through the days?), but I feel like it’s going to be a tough learning process. I’m literally making myself a list of ideas of what we can do when I get stir crazy, because I know that when I’m in the thick of it I could end up feeling trapped with no options.
-Go for a walk
-Go for a drive
-Listen to music
-Listen to a podcast
-Clean something
-Call someone
I’m so grateful that I don’t have to go back to work, but I’m nervous about how I’m going to handle this very real, very permanent job that’s starting in a few days. It’s the job I’ve always wanted- the only thing I’ve always wanted to be. On one level I understand it’s still allowed to be daunting and hard though. I’m honestly surprised by this feeling, and I’m having a hard time not judging myself for it.
Do I get a sitter? How do I find one I’ll feel comfortable with? It would help me to get out of the house and continue doing some of these things that I enjoy, but it also feels really risky and not worth it. The fact that we are still navigating COVID times, all I can think about is how bringing someone else into Brooke’s world increases her chance of getting it. So even though some of these activities help me feel more like myself, knowing she is safe at home with me feels better at this moment. Then again, in all reality, we are going need a sitter at some point, and it certainly doesn’t look like COVID is going away any time soon. So how do I decide what’s best moving forward? Per usual, I’m projecting way into the future instead of just waiting to see how it goes. I’m also so good at seeing both sides of the coin- the pros and the cons of each- that I overanalyze to the point where nothing seems like a good idea.
Thank god for excellent timing in that I just started a new antidepressant. She’s also a really easy baby- so what am I worried about? It’s not like he’s going off to war though- he’s only going to be gone from 8-4 each day.
The gremlin inside my head says “Pretty much everyone under the sun deals with this or worse- so what’s your deal, Joan?”
Because it’s SO different than what we’ve been doing, and what we’ve been doing has been hard already!
Because being a stay at home parent is hard!
EVEN WHEN IT’S A DREAM COME TRUE!
It boils down to the fact that I love her so much, and I want the best for her, and on some level I worry that I’m not up to the task. What’s funny is that I’ve told countless friends that the very fact that they are worried about not being a good enough parent makes them a good parent. Not that you have to worry in order to be good, but that the fact that you are worried means you care enough to try to be good. The fact that I’m nervous just shows me that I really care about trying to be the best I can be.
