I feel left behind. Many emails that I’m receiving and pictures I’m seeing on social media depict a “post Covid” world. A world in which folks are no longer wearing masks, or keeping their distance from each other. I see people taking long postponed vacations, rescheduling weddings and having big parties. Getting on planes, going about their lives as if they have nothing to worry about anymore.
I feel like I’m doing it wrong. My anxiety is such that I don’t know how to re-enter this world without a care. I still wear a mask when I go inside any building that is not my home, and cannot imagine a time when I won’t do that. I don’t know how to not be bothered by people standing too close to me. I don’t know how to not be wigged out by the person behind me at the pharmacy who is coughing (unmasked). Yet at the same time, I find myself being less careful at times- not sanitizing my hands as much when I’m out and about, then being terrified of fomite transmission.
I feel like my experience doesn’t matter. Messaging around the fact that “vaccines work”!! If you’re vaccinated and boosted you have nothing to worry about anymore! Woohoo! Get back out there and live your lives that have been put on hold for two years! YOLO! Yet the fine print reads: those who are unvaccinated are still at high risk of complications, hospitalization, long covid, and death. But that’s okay! All those folks are choosing not to get vaccinated so “oh well!” BUT WHAT ABOUT MY CHILD?!
I want to scream- what about my child?! Who was born in a covid world. Who hasn’t had the experiences I would have loved her to have because we have to be careful. Who has only seen her dad’s side of the family once, in a brief window of “don’t worry too much” aka summer 2021. I still was terrified, but took the trip because we all needed it. I was on high alert the whole time, constantly worrying that somehow my baby, who I had been successful in protecting thus far, was going to fall victim to this awful illness.
(A child who was very hard to get here. She’s the result of IVF, a complicated pregnancy and a traumatic birth. Born early at 36 weeks, her lungs being compromised by that fact). First time mothers are famously careful- add an IVF experience, a preemie, and covid together? We are lucky I haven’t put her in an ACTUAL bubble.
We’ve been lucky in a large sense- able to stay home and keep her relatively isolated, which is a win in regards to covid. But then I feel like I’m doing it wrong- is she really getting everything she needs just from me and her dad? Is the occasional visit with my family or the sporadic park dates with another new mom enough for her social development? Then her pediatrician threw around “delays” in regards to social and verbal development. Again- I’m doing it wrong.
So I bit the bullet and finally sought out some childcare- in hopes of furthering her development and getting myself some windows of time to do errands unencumbered or actually be a human and not just a mom. Go to therapy, to acupuncture, to the dentist, to the movies! We found two women who were going to take different shifts with Brooke. The first shift was going to be on my birthday.
PSYCH- covid exposure.
The next shift was the other sitter- supposed to be the week following my birthday. I had therapy and a vet visit lined up.
PSCYH- covid positive
So what did I have to do? Telehealth with my therapist (who was also recovering from covid), and pray that Brooke would play relatively peacefully on her own. Then, baby wear Brooke to the vets office because the last time I brought my stroller it was impossible to maneuver in such a tiny office. Navigating a scared chihuahua who doesn’t want to walk into the vets with a 14 month old who doesn’t really like being worn anymore. Gong show. I’m amazed there were no tears or bites.
I feel scared. Well meaning friends and family ask when we will fly to see them again, and I wish I knew. My heart and soul absolutely ache for a dose of normalcy- traveling to Michigan and Canada to see our long distance loved ones, but my fear looms large.
I feel left behind. Like we don’t matter anymore. We’ve been told everything from “it’ll be the end of this month” to “we have no idea” as to when she could get vaccinated. So how are we supposed to do this? I feel like my comfort level changes day to day, depending on what I’m listening to. If I listen to the news and the cdc, San diego is low risk right now. But if I listen to my own experience: I know of half a dozen unconnected covid positive cases in the last week, which I’ve never experienced during the pandemic. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that my circle is hit hard right now, but I don’t think so. I think with at home testing (which is a great thing), people aren’t going to get PCR tests, so there’s a false sense of “low risk” because at home tests aren’t being reported to the cdc.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of this way of living, but I don’t know how else to function. I can’t just throw in the towel and say oh well! I can’t seem to trust that she will be ok if she does get covid. So I’m stuck waiting for the vaccine. Or waiting on some nebulous, self determined low level of fear where I believe I can just get back out there.
I feel left behind. I feel alone. I need this pandemic to be over.
