The Unseen Work Decide how to feed What to feed When to feed Keep inventory of Diapers Wipes Clothing Formula Medicine Food Troubleshoot Nipple size Diaper size Bottle type Laundry soap Toys Keep the right size clothes and diapers in diaper bags Schedule and take child(ren) to doctors Be able to answer any and all of their questions (what color...
Joy, Rage & Grief
Nursing
19.5 months.We worked so hard to get here.Plugged ducts.Low supply.Lip tie.Tongue tie.Misdiagnoses.Surgeries performed multiple times due to regrowth and incorrect revisions done the first time.Craniosacral therapy.Chiropractic care.Speech therapy.Nursing strikes. Social pressure to stop nursing.Countless hours spent in research reading evidence based literature on breastfeeding, latch, and ties.Time spent advocating for myself. I fed you cross country as we moved from Arizona to...
Worth Every Shot
The shots are the easy part. It’s not just shots anyway. It’s multiple transvaginal ultrasounds. Welts from the shots that get bigger and more numerous with each passing day. The hormone fueled roller coaster that has you feeling elated, ragey and depressed somehow simultaneously. Don’t forget the mindfuck of the hope that maybe this will work. It’s crumbling a bit more...
Fern's Birth Story
Pregnancy with Fern taught me to look inward. To seek healing in places that Forrest’s birth brought to light. I sought out literature, social media accounts, films, podcasts, people of interest in the birthing world, enrolled in classes, and discovered places of inspiration I had not explored prior. I visualized and meditated and most of all let go, because birth...
One Year Old
(*Written March 1, 2020, two days before my son turned one year old.) I’m struggling so much around Jonah turning one. I feel intense dread in my body and sick to my stomach. I can barely eat. I cry just writing or thinking about it. It feels like I need to cry and scream and rage outwardly, but there isn’t the...
The Second Child I Will Never Have
As I lay in bed alone late one night, my 5 year old daughter sleeping soundly in her own room (she'll be sleep walking in here soon), I begin to imagine what my postpartum time would have been like in the house we live in now. My daughter was born in Los Angeles, and we welcome her home to a...
Where Does the Rage Go?
Where do the screams go?The ones that well up like a wave but can’t crash to shoreThe ones that rise up in your throat begging to be released but get swallowed instead Where does the heat go?The burning of “I can’t” and “how am I supposed to” and “no”The fire that rises and threatens it all with its no going...
The Birth of Skylar Freya
It was around 5am when I felt the rhythmic achings of contractions. I smiled to myself. I knew what these were because I had been here before. Tingles ran through me, to think of my baby girl announcing that she was on her way. I said a quiet “Thank you, baby.” She had given me a full night’s rest for...
Old Enough to be a Mother
Taking a little friend out to a café The barista asks if she is mine. I explain that I care for her and the barista responds, "You don't look old enough to be a mother anyway" And wishes us well And my mind wanders If things had been different If laws had been different If religion were not such a...
My Shower
My Shower A year and a half in, I often feel far away from who I emerged as after giving birth - that confident, calm, focused person, born anew. The mornings can be stressful, even though we have nowhere to be. Cooking and young, active toddlers don’t really mix. But then I take a shower. I can close my eyes...