Enlightening because I was able to accomplish so much while she played contentedly ALONE for like almost 2 hours. Like seriously. I made mini muffins – she was fine; I cleaned the kitchen – she was fine. I did a load of laundry – fine. I decided to just clean sinks, fine, so I cleaned bathroom and shower, fine, toilet – STILL FINE. Decided to quit then and do floors later and not get too greedy, but it was astounding.
Enlightening because now I understand how all those other moms accomplish so much when it takes me an entire day to make a simple dinner. Why they look at me with that dumbfounded, completely unable to relate, disbelieving, patronizing, pitying stare when I describe what my life is like. They really have no idea. This is their everyday. Their normal. My ok day is their worst day.
It’s not like I didn’t know they couldn’t understand. But I didn’t know what THEIR life was like. I didn’t know their normal. And now that I have experienced it, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at what I could have. What my life COULD be. Our life. How much happier and content and fulfilled and accomplished.
But I would take my baby over their baby every single day. Still. Even on the terrible, awful, mind-fucking days. She is everything. She is all. And that is enlightening too.
Very few people would understand these feelings. These huge inexplicable feelings.
Every joy for me like this, every win, is also pierced with sadness. It’s all tangled up. But it’s also deeply fulfilling because we are the moms of truly special children.
Toni’s daughter was almost two years old at the time she scribbled this down in between tasks.
